Socrates Scores!

An Over-Analysis of Greek Football Triumph

If you haven’t seen the skit yet, you need to go watch Monty Python Philosophy Football. If you have seen Monty Python Philosophy Football, give yourself a refresher.

Back in middle school, when I had just figured out what YouTube was and found this skit for the first time, I only knew three or four of the philosophers playing for a shot at the title. After taking a college course on philosophical history, I revisited the sketch, knowing that Monty Python was clever enough to have chosen Germany and Greece for a reason. 

Hugh Laurie once suggested that trying to explain why something is funny is like breaking a crystal vase, holding up the pieces, and pointing out that they would make a beautiful vase.¹ At the risk of committing a similar crime, what follows is a gross speculation on the significance of the semi-final between Greece and Germany. At the very least, this is how I watch the match.

The Greeks and Germans represent two historical periods in philosophy. Western philosophical tradition began in Greece with the pre-Socratics, spreading through Hellenization and helped along by the Roman Empire. All western philosophy owes a debt to the Greeks. Germany’s period of philosophical dominance came with German Idealism, a movement beginning with Kant and officially ending with Hegel, although its influence carried through to thinkers such as Wittgenstein (who, although Austrian, features on the German team) and Heidegger, among others. By including Martin Luther as the manager, Python alludes to the impact of the Reformation on German thought going forward. Generally speaking, Greeks dominate the ancient philosophical world, while Germans dominate the modern philosophical world.

The announcer, observing the Greek lineup, declares that the Greeks are playing a more defensive game. This is appropriate––as A. N. Whitehead notes, “The safest general characterization of the European philosophical tradition is that it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato.”² Any philosopher in the west must first reckon with Plato and Socrates. My first introduction to German idealism was through Søren Kierkegaard’s attack on Kant and Hegel. Where does he begin? A return to Socrates. 

In contrast to the Greek defensive play, we find a substitution on the German side in the last few minutes of the match, as Marx comes in for Wittgenstein: “Obviously, manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match to go.” Anyone familiar with the temper of Luther’s writings will find the humor in this announcement. Likewise, given Marx’s economic taxonomy of oppressor/oppressed and revolution, one might expect him to bring the fire the Germans need. But alas, no goal. 

With only a few moments left, Archimedes shouts his famous “Eureka!” and the Greeks drive the ball through a German line still captivated by thought. Archimedes plays the ball across for a diving header from Socrates. We even get a replay, which shows goalkeeper Leibniz in a different position.

Hegel and Kant offer philosophical arguments in order to negate the goal, while Marx argues that Socrates was in violation of the offside rule. Upon further inspection, he is, in fact, offside.

As a bonus, the German lineup includes Beckenbaur, who is “obviously a bit of a surprise.” This is none other than Franz Beckenbaur, German legend and World Cup champion. ³

Part of the skit’s humor is its participation in the long history of jokes about intellectuals who have trouble taking action. I think of Voltaire’s Candide, or the beloved Frasier Crane, both characters whose operation in the real world is impaired by thinking too much or relying on philosophical systems. Kierkegaard levels such a criticism against both Socrates and German Idealism. In the former case, he holds up Socrates’ inability to find a positive relation to the Atheneian state. In the latter case, he describes German Idealism as being too general to give practical application. 

Python member Terry Jones said of the skit: “The clash of two opposites is the whole point. You can’t think about football too much, you just have to do it.” He also points out that, “football is a team activity which philosophy, as a general rule, isn’t.”⁴ 

Why do the Greeks triumph? They win because they have a better philosophy than the Germans. The proof is in the pudding. The legacy of Greek philosophy extends through the Romans and the Christian Church. The result? Behold the architecture. Behold the music. Behold the literature. The Greeks gave society a positive ideal which demanded the good, true and beautiful of its adherents. This ideal was identified by Christians as God, and the union between Athens and Jerusalem bore fruit through such philosopher-theologians as Augustine and Aquinas (incidentally, the linesmen of the match, a fact I remembered after writing down their names). The philosophy of Socrates (whose goal wins the match) is inextricably linked to the grandeur of the western world. 

On the other hand, what have been the effects of German Idealism? Whereas the Greeks had a positive ideal, the Germans have a negative ideal. Allow me to quickly look at three developments from German Idealism. 

Schelling adopts Hegel’s dialectic into a system which posits that imperfection precedes perfection. This flips the old order, in which a perfect origin (for Socrates, the Good; for Christians, God) precedes the imperfect world. Schelling’s “negative philosophy” manifests itself biologically in Darwin’s theory of evolution, where the lesser biological form evolves into a higher biological form, better adapted to the world.

Although Danish, Søren Kierkegaard attended and was greatly influenced by Schelling’s Berlin lectures. Kierkegaard’s critique of Hegel and Kant in Fear and Trembling displays the German’s inability to provide consistent positive action in relation to the world. In other words, Kierkegaard finds German Idealism insufficient at a practical, everyday level. Thus begins the strain of existentialism which terminates in the nihilism of Nietzsche and Camus. 

Another attendee of Schelling’s lectures and late substitute into our football match is Karl Marx, who interprets Schelling’s negative philosophy into a socio-economic theory. Capitalism represents a broken, imperfect system which, by a dialectic materialism, can be made perfect through socialism. Whether the national-socialism of Germany, the communism of the Soviet States, or the marxist assumptions coming out in contemporary society, Marx’s ideology has yet to find a positive expression.

Neither of these three strains from German Idealism has found a real positive expression culturally or socially. As a final proof, look at our referee. Confucius, as one from the east, provides a third perspective to mediate between the two. He only has problems with the Germans. Nietzsche goes in the book for claiming Confucius has no free will, which Confucius promptly disproves by booking him. After the goal, we hear, “Hegel is arguing that reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically, it exists only in the imagination.” Both try to get around the reality of the goal by attempting to disprove reality. 

At least, “Marx is claiming it was offside,” which the replay shows is true. Not that it changes the outcome. Thank goodness they hadn’t introduced VAR yet.

So there it is, a lesson in over-thinking a comedy sketch. On the other hand, what is comedy for if not to provoke thought. Go read Plato and Aristotle again, and let them correct the errors in your thought. Re-read Augustine and Aquinas, and perhaps even Confucius. Remember that our Lord Christ taught, “Ye shall know them by their fruits.” Perhaps we can know philosophers by the same measure.

1. Laurie, Hugh.  Foreword to The Jeeves and Wooster Omnibus. London, Penguin Books, 2007.

2. https://www.college.columbia.edu/core/content/whitehead-plato#:~:text=The%20renowned%20British%20philosopher%20A.N,series%20of%20footnotes%20to%20Plato.

3. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Franz-Beckenbauer

4. https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2010/apr/28/monty-python-philosophers-football-match